morning devotions

an up-close photograph of a ceramic coffee mug with a red handle, filled with coffee, creamer, and sprinkled with cinnamon, sitting on a walnut colored wooden table.

6am

we rolled out of bed

stumbled into the hallway

holy book

leather bound journal

fountain pen

in hand.

to be holy

to show our discipline

to prove to ourselves

and the world

that we had our priorities in order.

but don’t ask me what i read

because i literally have no idea

i am not awake yet

however

i’m godly

so there is that.

if for some reason

we lacked character

and were unable to rise from the ashes

of our ridiculously comfortable twin beds?

we had to take advantage of the coffee shop

in the center of campus

or the picnic tables

strategically placed where all could see.

because nothing says ‘personal devotions’

like putting your spirituality on display

for all to see.

i mean,

a boy might even see you

deep in thought over the book of leviticus

and that will be his confirmation

that you are called to be his housekeeper

i mean, wife.

but sadly,

the days of sitting

in dank dormitory hallways

to get your daily bread are long gone.

now, 

we have too many options.

valencia

lark

reyes

hudson

sierra

lo-fi

and those are just the instagram filters

no longer do we have to sit in discomfort at 6am

in order to let the world know we are saved.

cover yourself in a fleece blanket 

turn on some hillsong in the background

quote joyce meyers

#blessed #devotions #god

and post.

all 72 of your followers will now know that you spend time with jesus

all those boys that used to walk by you at the picnic tables

can now slide into your DMs

with the pastor’s permission of course.

i tried it

i really did

but i really liked sleeping

and not being a zombie.

i wrote in my journal

trudging through the old testament

careful not to miss proverbs.

so i could be a wise woman

just don’t let anyone know you are wise

it’s a secret.

i fell into the trap

the trap that told me that i needed to pursue spirituality and faith

in this very sterile and precise way.

the trap that said i would get more out of the reading

if it was at 5am 

apparently

jesus doesn’t speak as clearly at sunset.

i was told i had to journal 

it would help me hide the truths in my heart

it would also be proof of faith for my husband’s family

when my mother offered the dowry.

i don’t know what the cool kids are doing currently

but if i was to guess

i’d say that it’s probably a cross between YouVersion and bullet journaling

utilizing technology while also pursuing a career as a graphic designer

use your gifts amiright?

while i inwardly rebel at this formulaic process of faith

i also kind of wish that it had worked. 

the same way that i wish

posting a picture of myself eating kale

would make me healthy.

i want to be good

do good

act right.

then tell you about it

or have you see it

and have you affirm me.

because i am human

even in the mornings 

i stopped

well

i stopped posting the spiritual stuff.

i still post other things

that scream for you

to pay attention to me.

babysteps ya know?

i just no longer want to exist in a place

where we are stacked

according to value and importance.

like on a farm

where they assess the long term value

of the animals.

which ones have the most life in them

which ones will render the most profit

which one will make them look really really good.

now? i could'nt care less

if you have read the bible

a hundred times.

i don’t care a wit

if you can quote

the whole thing.

(although that would be impressive)

go to church every day

it doesn’t matter to me

at least not anymore.

none of those things

actually reflect the goodness

that is or is not inside of you. 

i fully realize i am doing a bit generalizing

however

i am also speaking a deeply rooted truth for myself.

for years

i saw people

spending more time trying to look spiritual

than they were trying to look human.

get a longer skirt

they would say

to a girl who experienced sexual trauma

but still had never talked about it.

come to devotions and listen to me ramble

she told me

even though my body desperately needed to rest

because i was sick.

an unmade bed means you don’t have character

and shouldn’t be a pastor

they would tell him

biting and cutting words

on a heart that was already doubting

his value and worth in the world.

where was the humanity?

where was the understanding?

perfection is not possible

it doesn’t exist

because what we call perfect is still being measured

against something or someone that still has flaws.

i walked through a space of judging

and being judged

often forgetting

that the people around me were humans.

humans that had stories of pain

stories of doubt

stories of trauma

and i couldn’t see their pain until i acknowledged my own.

until i admitted

that this way of life didn’t make sense

that the rules were exhausting.

everyone around me seemed so tired

unhappy

miserable

defeated.

sunday church

monday devotions

tuesday devotions

wednesday church

thursday more devotions

friday a tad more devotions

saturday church.

add to that

class

work

social time

sleeping

and the pressures of keeping up appearances.

because that’s all it was 

an appearance

this rhetoric about preparing us for battle

this being bootcamp

getting us ready to be in the lord’s army?

it was all an act

one that they fell for too.

a hole that they stumbled into

and could not for the life of them get out of

so they stayed

and told themselves

that they were in the center of god’s will.

and instead of acknowledging

their own deep need of healing?

they just settled in

for their morning devotions

because

consistency cures all 

#blessed